I was going through old photos of the time I travelled and It's brought up a lot of things for me and I wrote something to share with you all, thank you for this safe space. A lifetime ago I discovered a vortex of dark shit inside of me that was relentless.
I was in a spiral of booze, weed and insomnia and thought about ending my life many times. I remember feeling as though I was trapped in a life I didn't want and could feel myself night after night slipping further and further away from it.
My life wasn’t mine, it was being narrated to me.
A relationship where I knew it wasn’t right but we both couldn't admit it to each other, a career that had taken everything from me and friends who tore me apart and kept telling me who I was rather than letting me BE.
I remember feeling such despair and as I was going to sleep one night I prayed to the Universe to please help me... and looking back on it now, that was the first of many nights of The Dark night of the Soul that I would be going through over the next 15 years.
I woke up from a dream that night where I met Great Spirit, I was face to face with him and he took the form of a Lion, he showed me that everything in my life was dead and lifeless and walked w me towards the sun with all the animals in the world walking beside me.
It was my first Shamanic dream, it gave me the energy to do what needed to be done. It lifted the veil as I felt Spirit along side me, supporting me and there was no going back to that life. I had to walk towards the shining, living, sun.
It was an initiation from Spirit and it helped me move on and all the decisions I made from that night were a result of this dream.
...
Then at 5am that morning I left my boyfriend of seven years, I managed to articulate everything I needed to say to him... I had begged him to let me break up with him for many nights before that but he managed to talk me into staying.. but that night I finally did it.
I left him, and everything I owned, including the house that we had bought and left to South America for the next seven months on my own to figure out who the hell I was.
That seven months turned into five years.
It was the best thing I have ever done in my life and I have never regretted it for a single second. I remember doing cartwheels in the rain that night, I felt so light, like I could bounce off a building, my soul was free, my body rejoiced.
...
While travelling I found that I had a knack for being alone and independent and felt my inner poet and artist rise up. I was always inspired by beauty, everything I saw and felt or who I met had importance and my sensitivity became crystal clear.
And the hunch that I had about leaving Sydney behind was right... the further I went away from my old life, the clearer I became. The happier I became and the more I started to love myself.
I began connecting the dots between the trauma I had endured during childhood, my high school years and my 20s and the truth of who I was as my soul self.
I was starting to see my delusions but I couldn't shake them off, I was stuck in them for YEARS. I didn't have the tools to remove my shadow, all I knew was that I needed to remove toxic people and places from my life and face my fears head on.
I followed the path of synchronicity and what felt right, it took me to amazing places, some dangerous but I found that each time I had come close to something that could harm me that I was protected... and I had a lot of close calls...
I remember learning about Pachamama while I was in South America; the Bolivians would throw out anything and say that it was for Pachamama, including an ashtray of cigarette butts from a balcony... I even got into trouble one late night for emptying a beer on the sand and not announcing it was for The Mother.
To this day, anything I throw in the bin is for Pachamama, the water that goes down the drain in the shower or bath too. And to this day I pray, I follow my heart and I feel protected.
I'm glad these stuck.
I also found a hidden love of adventure, adrenaline and danger. I must have ridden horses in a past life bc when I got on one I knew exactly what to do, the same way I knew what to do when my baby was crying.. I rode fast and crazy-like, shouting w over the top confidence and connection to the animal I was on and the animal within me. Deborah was alive.
I knew what to do when the horse nearly fell into a giant hole in the ground with me on it, I was learning to trust myself and it felt good.
I had felt so dead my whole life, my school, my friends at the time, my job, my life was just non-existent, none if it meant anything and it gave me constant grief and made me feel terrible about myself.
All the connections around me were dull. Nothing had a spark in that life for me.
These experiences taught me to shine despite of having low confidence, shitty friends and a life that didn't fit.
I was in the wrong place, surrounded by the wrong people.
...
I figured out how to feel good about myself and I got there by giving myself the space I needed to figure out how to be alone and like myself.
It turned out I did like myself.. I wrote poetry, blogs and stories, I made artwork, I sang to birds, I talked to nature and I was honest and kind and loving... I was good despite believing that I was somehow bad.
I felt my soul stirring and sending me niggles when something WAS RIGHT- and I followed it - and each time I did my life opened up even more and I felt Spirit with me even more and beautiful miracles happened all around me.
I followed beauty and life showed me beauty by showing me all the ugly stuff that was in the way.
I followed this path to heal and clear myself and life made me clear all the shit that was in the way that stopped me from seeing it.
And it was hard AND it was worth it.
Every relationship that didn't work for me was a doorway, I ended it and I would walk through a part of me I hadn't met before, a healed part that wasn't holding onto baggage.
I became capable of doing things I couldn't before, things I wanted to do, dreamt of doing but couldn't because of all the blocks I had.
My ego was out of control for years, my shadow was persistent.. it showed up during any interaction with anyone, any decision I had to make, meal I had to eat, clothes I had to wear, relationships, friendships, staff, work, everything..
I saw through the eyes of a wounded person and all of my interactions mirrored my wounds back to me, over and over and over.
I've been on the Medicine Wheel with thanks to my Shamanic teacher for the last six years, my feelings and shadow have been amplified on this journey. Whatever did not serve me showed up in my face so that it could be healed.
It meant going through all of the hidden parts of myself that I was aware or unaware of and peeling back each layer at a time.
It was fucking hard but my inner knowing kept pushing me.
During this process I was supported, not only by my Shaman and by my husband but also by my Guides, Higher Spirits and Upper world Teachers and during this process I started to attract the right kind of people who also supported and held space for me.
Because I was making this commitment to myself Spirit held my hand the whole way, helped me shed what wasn't working in my life and helped me see what needed to be changed with unwavering clarity.
They would make me go through something that had to be changed and sometimes it felt like my life was in shambles and appear as a life crisis... but that's what it took for me to make the changes.
And that's what it took for me to fully trust them.
I've now completed the South Wheel where I shed what doesn't serve me as well as the West where I have faced my shadow and now I am entering into the next phase which is the North where I begin to fill up the spaces that have been removed with empowering medicines for me to walk forward.
... I am grateful for the connection to Spirit because it truly saved my life and helped me not only grow, but THRIVE.
Every connection on this path has been important... even the staff who suggested for me to see a Shaman when I spoke to her about my spontaneous spiritual awakenings.
Thank you Great Spirit, thank you Pachamama and my loving Guides, thank you to my healed ancestors, thank you to my husband, my son and my Shamanic Teacher and the School of Shamanic Womancraft and the friends I have made there and on this page and all of you for allowing me to speak safely... and thank you to the Deb who answered the call to that dream years ago. I'm so proud of you.
A special prayer I'd like to send out-
< May we all answer the calls that our Highest Aspect is sending out to bring us towards the future that is for our Highest and Best, with ease grace, joy and love. >
Deb xx
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