Last night I received a gift. The gift of receiving myself.
To fully receive is hard for many, especially if we are more comfortable w giving, holding & supporting.
For years I only gave, held space for others, worked in service & worked from an empty cup.
And in this one way street I had exiled myself.
This photoshoot with Star was coming up and it had come at a perfect time for me.
For the last decade I had been going through vigorous healing but had not yet integrated, & since last year I had been working on integrating all that I've been through, my inner child, my trauma, my past & my medicine, so that I could be fully present & receptive in my life.
On the leadup to this shoot I had been painting in prayer late at night at my candle lit altar in my healing room & out of my brush came an image my inner child.
I gazed at her w love, her swooping hair, soft eyes, small neck & nose appeared on the paper, she looked magical, I saw w her and as I spoke to her I realised that she looked a little disassociated too.
So I kept sitting w her and drawing some more detail & on my next look I saw that she had grown up a little, & the more I drew the more she grew, I saw her become my inner teen, then adult, woman, mother & then my higher self, & I felt this was all happening leading up to this photoshoot.
This gracious medicine unfurled & moved about slowly in the same way the moon wanes & waxes. It allowed me to step into all parts of my childhood, womanhood & higher self that I wasn't able to before. This slow & integrative medicine came directly from Spirit & prepared me for my shoot.
To be completely honest, I haven’t stopped crying since receiving these photos yesterday, it has been one of the most healing experiences for me to date. My heart is in overload, I've been having big heart expansions, & I’m humbled & blown away by how deeply this has affected me.
Coming out of a place where I had not been connected to my body, was severely dissociated w facial dysmorphia, suicidal & had exiled & rejected myself for years... to where I am now.. is nothing short of a miracle.
This has been big for me, and I feel my heart receiving it.
This shoot has done more for me than just make my social media page beautiful.
These photographs are here to remind me of the time in my life where I finally included myself.
And for a bit of extra magik I will tell you something else. When I looked at the photographs that I received from Star I saw staring back at me was the painting of the integrated self w the red hood. I can't explain it in words how it was to realise the depth of magik & knowing Spirit had a hand in this the entire time.
Thankyou again beautiful Star woman for holding space for me, allowing me to feel safe & inspiring me to get excited & play together. I am so grateful for this gift you have given me, the depth of love you poured into is clear & I fully receive it with reverence & joy.
This epic magikal photoshoot was done by the incredible space holder @star.sarasvati.media.
Thankyou for reading.
Deborah Wolf <3
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