I’ve been exploring the dynamics of the submissive dominant relationship when it comes to relating through sex & life in general, in particular my childhood.
I always thought I was a dominant when I was growing up, I used to boss everyone around, I fought with Rabbi’s & teachers & I beat up the bullies in the playground... I ended up parenting my parents & holding space for everyone around me, except for myself.
I couldn’t receive, I couldn’t surrender, & was always in control. I managed everyone & everything.
This energy reached a peak & I ended up cracking in my 20’s. I was disassociated, depressed, anxious, & full of rage; I took everything on & took everything personally.
I couldn’t be myself & unfold, & I had turned into a dominant in my everyday world not because it was my choice, but because I had to, to survive.
I realized that those dominant traits were in the shadow aspect & I was operating from a trauma response to protect myself.
I owned a bakery for 11 years & ran it from this energy too; I also approached my Spirituality & my studies from this lens & ended up becoming rigid, & needing to do things by the rules, there was no room for flow or feminine energy.
Ultimately it made me ill, I had a lot of health issues & my marriage was in ruins, I ended up becoming suicidal & operated from an empty cup.
I needed to step into the feminine flow, trust more than strive, receive more than take & explore my femininity, sexuality & being grounded in the body.
All the things that led me to this point that twisted me & made me ill & anxious, were all to wake me up to this yin flow.
I am no longer operating from yang energy… no longer see healing as a constant purging process.. & when I left my teacher I ended up finding a more embodied feminine healing path that made room for me, I ended up feeling safer to explore intimacy & embodiment & feel more alive & healthier than I have felt in the past.
